I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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