I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize