Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
