I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
