hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
