I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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