On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize