I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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