I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
