You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
