I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize