my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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