Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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