I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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