i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
