Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
