i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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