Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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