I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
