How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
