I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
