Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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