I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize