you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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