She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
