I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize