....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Damn victory sex feels great
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
