saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
