Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
