Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
this beer tastes like vomit already
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
