I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize