i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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