so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
