the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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