I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
