Where did you get a picture of my penis
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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