I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
