Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
