i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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