i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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