hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
