What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
