omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
