i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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