I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
