u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
