I molested 6 butterflies tonight
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
