Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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