i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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