just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
