Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
