you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
