Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I could make wine with my vomit
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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