How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
