I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
