omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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