youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
